You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
