I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
