I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
