You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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