...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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