One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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