The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
