I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
