Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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