i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
