Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
