so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
