sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
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