Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
