You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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