Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
