i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
