Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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