Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
