You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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