i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
