the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
