This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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