I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
