I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
