So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
farters have to be the big spoon...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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