I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
