If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
