went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
