So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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