Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Randomize
