I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
