pop tarts are not kleenex
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
