Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
