I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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