The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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