EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
