she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
