got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
