"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the day after is always just damage control
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
