someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
