you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Let's paint friendship bongs
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize