just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
