WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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