Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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