My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
what day is it and did you see me today?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
