I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
