You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
