Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
