You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
