Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
