I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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