I met the friendliest cop last night
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
