Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Where did you get a picture of my penis
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
