I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
