I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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