have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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