Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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