I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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